14.07pm (sat on the sofa)
Just spoke to mum and before that P. Mum sounded tired, she is having her home re-roofed and it does sound stressful, though I do struggle to identify with her sometimes. Everything always sounds like a chore. I kept saying but it will be much better when it is done. I guess she is fed up with the whole process, its slow and messy and stressful.
Walking back from the meeting with the friendship group I rebelled and took the path that has been blocked off by the environment agency. This act of rebellion involved a precarious route holding on to the metal fencing that was blocking the main path, I had about 10 cm of grass to negotiate. I kept thinking I might slip into the poo brown canal water, but I didn’t. I was triumphant. I couldn’t see why the path even needed to be blocked off, there was no building work actually taking place on it.
I am determined when someone says you cannot do something to find a way around it. I like being adventurous and rebellious even if that defiance is only to walk a public path that has been blocked off. I did it, I did it.
I haven’t anything new to say. I have been thinking about ending this writing. I have become to reliant on the screen to sooth me. The screen draws you in. Connections, real connections are made in the real world. Its good to start a conversation here, a thought, but its what happens in the 3D world of now that gets noticed. I am wondering what I will do next. I look at the house, its neglected and I think I have neglected myself and the family by focusing on this project. You don’t have to record and document everything. To really enjoy something you have to let it float by on the river or be carried off by a cloud.
I take all that I have for granted. I need to be more grateful. I need to concentrate my efforts on my friends and family and near ones. I need to move forward. I need to be more physical and more visual. I need to stop worrying about what I haven’t done and look at what I do do. I need to accept the passage of time. I need to try and enjoy this day, this moment. The tree in the corner of the room, decorated by my son. The busy messiness of family life. The messiness of a full life lived. A tidy home isn’t necessarily a happy home, but a caotic home isn’t either. Need to try and find some balance. Need to run again, I liked the running, it sorted out my head, it stopped me from thinking. Need to buy new trainers to run the hills. You can always start again, thats what is good about a new year, it invites reflection it provides a beginning.
Pick up Syd soon and need to drop off the bill. Then I will collect Naoise, take him to a party. Then I will take Syd to guitar lesson. Back home, cook dinner, get kids ready for bed, collapse on sofa.
Each day is pretty much the same…….today I have enjoyed taking the path that said it was blocked and finding that I could get through……..thats what I need to do with my stubborn head. I need to keep pushing through, finding a new path. Excepting that this is today….but there is a different route that I could take tomorrow if I try. Small steps. Small steps.