Day Six: The Studio, Shopping, Playing in the garden

Challenging, difficult. non-compliant.

Today me and Naoise were meant to be visiting the local school here in Takahuhti. Naoise wouldn’t get up. He slept and slept. I got him dressed lying in the bed, but he refused to wake. He said that he did’nt want to go to the school. I had no energy to persuade, co-erce, distract or convince him. I gave up. We gave up on the plan.

Not everything can be scheduled. There is a need to respond to the situation. To go with the flow. Its not always possible to do what your meant to be doing. We can change the rules? We can make up our own rules?  We can take away all the rules? Are there rules? Or rulers? Measurements. Why do I have this need to be good, to be doing the right thing all the time. Can I be bad once in a while ? Can we be bad?

Later much later, after Naoise slept and slept and slept and slept….it was the early afternoon when eventually he got out of bed we went food shopping.

I asked Naosie on the walk why he hadn’t wanted to go to the local school, he told me that he was shy and it would have been embarrassing.

Its a twenty minute walk to Lidls. We have been shopping at Lidls as Naosie is quite a fussy eater and it means we can get the same food here as we get in Todmorden. Very boring but a necessity. We cannot do everything different. Best to take the easy route when everything else is different.

Food is incredibly expensive here, even in Lidls. We select everything very carefully, planning each meal and lunch. Its a long twenty minutes back to base with all the shopping, but Naoise helps and carries the yoghurt bucket and the filter papers for the coffee machine.

I am struggling being on my own with Naoise. Last night, I ran out of milk, but it was far to late to bother the family upstairs and I cannot go out and leave Naoise unattended. I thought to buy four pints of milk today, as running out of basic provisions whilst its just me and Naoise is not an option.

I am struggling. I am tired of caring. Today I wished for a few hours childcare. Some time out. There is no downtime. This residency is extremely intense and draining.

I felt lonely for the first time. Really lonely.

Naoise managed to play with the children from upstairs. They played football whilst I made a den  in the thicket of bushes close to the house.  I was determined to build that den after making the kit and then carrying it all the way here. I enjoyed making my den, I showed Naosie; “its ok” he said.

Maybe I will make the den again in another place.

I swang on the seat and rang my mum. I told her I felt sad, she was surprised. I was’nt surprised that I was having a sad day. All this doing and difference and do do do do doing was eventually going to creep up on me and demand that I DO NOT DO. That I stop. That I rest. That I sleep as Naosie sleeps, like sleeping beauty.

I am sitting in the corridor by the pile of stones and the printing press. Naoise is in the shower just around the corner.

He is singing.

Muuuuuuum, Muuuuuum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Muuuuuum, Muuum

over and over and over.

Mum can you get me out of the shower. Muuuuuuum.