Thursday

Children to school.

I walk to the polling station in walsden. I take images of every red thing I can see on the way to vote. The sun is shinning, hopefully to a happier, brighter socialist future, no more of fear and hate and greed. Kindness, respect, love, care for the vulnerable. A better life for all. Not the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. No more. A stop to austerity and the break up of our well fare state, our NHS. No more hatred.

redtulipsinboxredoredpostboxredrailsredtriangleredthingfredtenredflowerheart

Back home spent day completing booklet for Visualising Birth Through Art. Stayed at home too tired to get to studio after working the previous evening delivering the Life Drawing Class.

Collected Children from School

Attended focus group at The Hepworth Wakefield. A very weird experience. Its been a long while since I have been in an all male work situation. One woman seven men. One woman with a family seven single men. One very nice man from a theatre background, kind, considerate, well educated. One man who looked like a banker but managed an art studio who was dissolutioned by his communications with the gallery. One man who did work in a bank who loved culture and travelling and wore a tight t-shirt revealing a very muscular torso. One quiet man who was a fashion student. One man who wanted to kill time by day trips to the gallery. One man who was a writer and visited the gallery to be inspired. One man who ran the focus group tidy haircut, recording our thoughts, taking notes, directing our conversation, polite pale blue shirt just off   the train from London.

“But you are the only one here with a family so your opinion does not count”.

I went to the toilet when I suggested that the gallery was a family friendly place and my ideas and thoughts were dismissed. Good to be reminded of the reality of the equality of work or rather lack of it. I am not sure why I have been selected for this focus group. Random selection ?

I left with a plastic tub of toffee crisp snacks that had hardly been touched to bring home as a gift for the children and my £40 cash in a plain white envelope for taking part.

I walked over the bridge from the gallery with the nice theatre man. He told me that Wakefield had huge council estates and poverty problems. A fancy gallery is often picked as a solution to social deprivation. Culture, Architecture and Art to cure social ill. Not all of it quite adds up though, still the gallery shop sells overpriced tit tat and art materials that no child could afford, the coffee shop is expensive, no where has been designated as an area where a family could eat their sandwiches, the reception area is forbidding and no one in the focus group seemed to really understand what Barbara Hepworth had to do with the gallery at all.

It was a long drive back home in the dark. I tried not to scoff too many of the toffee crisp snacks when to my horror I discovered that the  M1 north was closed for roadworks and had to navigate my way back with a map and the dying light of my mobile sat nav. Thankfully I have a surprisingly good sense of direction.

I listened to the radio. I listened to the results of the exit poll and my heart sunk. I listened to the first results coming through a labour win in Sunderland. Jubilant. Surely the exit poll cannot be true.

I get back home, Syd is still up listening to the political broadcasts. I am impressed about his political interest, I tuck him into bed and go to bed myself. I am totally shattered. I hope to wake to a brighter day. A new beginning.

Work Wednesday

Better morning, less tired. Naoise requesting hot basmati rice for breakfast moments before having to leave for school. I fry up some rice from yesterdays dinner. He refuses to eat the rice apparently it tastes yucky.

Ran through Hardcastle Craggs, circular loop in 40 minutes. Pass no-one on outward route by stone and river. Enjoy jumping over the stepping stones, drink water from the tap at the mill. Backward route along track meet dog walkers and a woman pushing her pram.

Bluebells.

Pick some bluebells, consider making a series of photographs of bluebells sticking out of my vulva. My studio friend is not sure about this. Some flowers are poisonous. I think bluebells would be ok. I have a little play with the green stalks and my body in front of the mirror. I decide it needs a re-think. Maybe try again another day. All these ideas. So many unrealised. The words get in the way. Over analysis. Anxiousness. Just need to do. Think less. Act. Respond to situations. Stop writing start making art.

Write notes for life drawing class which is about exploring tone. Find a beautiful Kathe Kollwitz image. The sensitivity of mark making is wonderfully fine and precise. Pencil marks gently caressing the forms of face and hand.

kollwitz
Kathe Kollwitz

Continue making Visualising Birth though Art booklet for workshop on Saturday. Its really positive to collate all my research from the last six years. So much information its hard to edit.

Discuss the need to enter some work for the Project After Birth. Ten friends have sent me messages suggesting I apply. I am somewhat put off by the selection panel, maybe I am paranoid. I must not let paranoia and past experiences get in the way of future opportunities. I must not allow a someone else’s  personal taste and curatorial power get in the way of my creativity and the potential sharing of my work. Everyone needs an audience. Art needs an audience to exist. To be in the world. Its hard though, its hard when you feel held back. But then really its only me that is really holding myself back.

Half way through the day, I realise that my bank card is missing. Have a panic. How will I be able to pay the life model ? My studio colleague kindly lends me some money.

Go to library and print out notes for life drawing class.

On way back in pouring rain bump into a friend loading her sewing machine into the car. At first I don’t recognise her. She has her hood up. We talk. We talk about the birth workshop, she is coming on Saturday, it will be good, just a handful of us, nice and intimate. Her hood makes me think about the language of motherhood once more. Should do something visual about my m-(other)-hood.

Collect Syd from school. Drop Syd back at home. Collect Naoise from school. Home make children dinner. Search house for rucksack and bank card. Very relieved to discover it under a pile of Patricks clean washing. PHEW.

Take Naoise to be looked after by my friend. Drop Syd off at guitar. Set up life drawing room. Teach life drawing class. Clear up after class. On way back home stop off at late night mini market and buy milk and cannot resist one bottle of cider.

Back home Naoise asleep. Glad he is sleeping, often he is still awake when I am home from evening work. More birth research work.

Argument with Patrick, all too much, fed up, angry.

Resentment. Equality does not exist. Sick. Tearful. Tired.

I live in the attic. Need to reclaim my independence. Everyone has a tipping point.

 

To the sea – dinosaur coast triptych

Staithes 

The Captain Cook and Stithies Heritage Centre is a clutter of nostalgic photographs and memorabilia crammed  from floor to ceiling. A mish mash of everything. Life guards, boats, ores, plastic fruit, folklore, flying fish, bonnets, botanical engravings, paintings, do not touch signs, turtle shells, a 1970’s TV Documentary and no clear information about Captain Cook. A haphazard hilarious museum. I leave none the wiser with a headache.

boatsatstaitheslittelphotographer

The sea comes in the sea goes out.

Blue basket of plaice.

Heavy tray boxes containing the crab catch.

Broad shouldered fishermen strong as oxen unload the crab cargo from boat to van.

Five boxes of crabs one basket of fish.

Dogs and dangerous cliffs.

Syd, Naoise, Patrick crabbing on lines strung off the harbours edge.

makingthebarriercrabbingmenboys

Nets. Lobster Pots. Ice cream.

A boy child aged around seven comes up to me speaking in German about the fishermen. I try to catch what he is saying but my German language skills are rusty. I smile. I listen regardless. He is thrilled and excited I understand that much.

Making sea defences with the rocky sand. Watching the wall and the castle being destroyed by the tide.

Dog. Bats. Balls.

A child in a wet suit balances on a surf board by holding tight to the harbour rails. His mother watches on.

Mothers watch.

Syd describes this place as perfect which pleases me. Big boy. Small boy. Man. All happy and content.

Playing.

lookingatthecloudfluffycloud

I sit tight to the sand and the shore. The concrete harbour wall and the deep sea below fills me with anxiety. I cannot relax on the wall for imaging my children falling beneath the waters surface.

Drowned in maternal anxieties.

Bare feet on sand.

Prints of feet in sand. Naoise small. Mine big.

Eating apple pie with bare feet in sand.

The beach is blissful. Simple pleasure playground.


tourdeyorkshirebikeyellowflowers

Yesterday…rushing back for the Tour de Yorkshire. Packing the car from the shed tent hut thing. 

Coffee. Fruit Cake and Sisterhood. 

Speeding home in just two hours. 

Entirely shattered, bed comfy, house hot….forest full of wild primroses and violets. Hide and seek. We all dream of yurts….warm temporary home spaces. Cave of the yellow dog, 

Fire and flammable onesies .  Peekachoo. Tiger. Power Rangers. Gruffalo. 

The birds land close. 

A river if water. Up in the night with Naoise at 3am for a shower. Felt so grumpy. We listened to the owl before opening the door to the pod. Telling Naoise to hold on tight to my body incase I slipped in the mud. 


Whitby

https://youtu.be/orTwzpmd6Oc

Ate chips at Whitby pier. Scared off the gulls so they couldn’t steal our tea. I shared my fish and chips with Naoise, he ate all the fish. I was glad he ate the food. So many calories in fish and chips yet delicious and better tasting eaten beside the sea. Tried to pose for a family portrait. Naoise placed his hands over my eyes. I am blinded. Everything is a game. I like his playfulness. I like that he is nice and naughty. Blindfolding your mother however is a hazardous occupation especially when you are perched on her shoulders.


Robinhoods Bay

Bay of my childhood, ice cream, fish and chips, sea swims in ice cold water.

Eroding cliff face of red clay.

Syd finds fossils. He picks out an ammonite fossil within moments of landing on the shore.

The red clay sticks to hands and fingers.

Naoise, Syd and Patrick scour the cliff edge for fossil finds.

I walk on the sand look at the pools, and rocks. Look at sea weed and plastic bits n bobs washed ashore.

I watch the small line of red in the sky. The sun is falling. The day is ending. A perfect day.

icecreamvanlookingforfossilsthreemenboy

Almost a perfect day. No day can ever be perfect. Just about good enough will do. There are always conflicts and misunderstandings and wants and desires and scuffles and tenderness and accidents and cruelty and anger and frustration. We muddle along.

Syd looses his camera whilst fossil hunting.

The hunt becomes a camera hunt.

The light is fading. We give in. Camera sacrificed to the tide.

Syd is sad, we hug him.

I enquire about a missing camera in every pub on the way back up the hill.

The camera is definitely lost.

Lost.


Driving back home. The children sleep. I watch the moon. Full behind shifting clouds. I try to stay awake and help navigate. Patrick stops at the services to buy an energy drink. My eyes are heavy. We arrive home. Its past midnight. A holiday in a day. All we had was a day to squeeze in as much fun as we could. Syd will be away at the half term. I am always trying to catch time, find enough for relaxation, for pleasure, to step outside of the mundane. To find time to mother. To mother with peace and with care. I need to be away, away and outside of home. Home is not always a sanctuary.


 

 

Still in the forest

9am

Outside the camping pod.

My hands are cold. Drinking tar coffee. The rain is a river and has formed  large pools at the shower block. Water that has to be constantly swept towards and into the drain. There is so much water. Swelling up. The drains cannot cope with the deluge.

Rain and mud and damp.

The blackbird landed close to the pod. It tries to pull the worm from the ground. Tug Tug. It is more brown than black. Some freckling to the front. Its not a thrush. It is a blackbird.

Cheep, cheep, cheep. No partner. Perhaps there is no partner. Cheep, cheep, cheep.

All seems like a parting.

Where does love go ?

It is an ocean. It goes out. It heads out. Does it come back with the tide ?

Ate too much flap jack. Drank too much wine.

The yurt. The yurt is perfect and warm and snug as a hobbit hole, much nicer than the pod.  The yurt has a little table and little stools. The yurt is picture perfect. It even has a little stove. I do have yurt envy, but the pod is ours and provides rest and space too and I am grateful for our warm rounded shed tent. A space to lie and to sleep and to dream.

The yurt reminds me of the film that me and Syd used to love to watch Cave of the yellow dog  directed by Byambasuren Davaa, 2005. I would read out the subtitles as if story at bed. Then when he was a little older he was able to read the subtitles himself. He was such a clever little boy.


I pack up all our possessions. I start first thing as the children sleep. Many trips up and down the muddy slippy bank. Its keeping me fit, working off the alcohol and sugar and oats and five course barbecue from the night before. We cooked everything that was left to eat on the fire. We had a feast. We ate everything. It was delicious and we even had pudding. Rice pudding and chocolate cake and fruit cake and flap jack.

We all drank coffee and ate fruit cake for breakfast.

I raced home in the car to get back in time for Syd to see Bradley Wiggins last road bike race in the Tour de Yorkshire. It is good to please your children, its hard to please a small boy and a big boy though. The age gap kills me. I wish there was one more in-between to balance things off. Or maybe that would have tipped any balance that there is.


I unpacked the car and sat in a room full of objects and washing and camping gear and just left it there and me and Naoise just watched TV and had a good rest in our warm home. Being out makes you appreciate the in.


 

In the forest

7am

Sat outside the camping pod on the blue fold out chair.


Watching the beauty of the forest.

The children are sleeping wrapped up on the ground in bags and blankets.

Where does one day begin? Where does another day end?

Time. A record. A document. A moment captured.

Here. Now. Then. Gone.

The woods. A camping pod.

A clump of moss tumbles slowly down from the tree and lands softly just below my feet.

Or is it a piece of  lichen?

The leaves, Sycamore are just emerging.

Ba Ba of a lamb.

Silence other than birds singing.

Rocks and some burnt wood where Syd attempted his “own” fire. Some children already playing, running around with their pet dog. This is far too early.

<some notes missing>

Syd tore out some pages of this book to light his fire. He is resourceful, he also used a sanitary towel. I’m a bit annoyed about the note pad, but I have no fight in me. Can’t be bothered to make much of a fuss about it. He did take care not to tug out drawings, but some of my writing is missing. Not important. A blank can be just as interesting, just as revealing. Perhaps I should leave more blanks. Why did I set myself the rule of writing every day. Even Plath didn’t manage to write every day. Her journals are full of blanks. Perhaps nothing is important. There needs to be a breathing space. A full stop, an opportunity to breath to let the dust settle, to think over. To stop. To rest. I should give myself a rest. Its been four months solid now.

Perhaps not a rest, perhaps a celebration is needed, but even this takes energy and work. Need to find the time, scrape it up, gather it in, muster the energy. Gather a crowd. A congregation. A gathering. Am I writing this for me or for you or for both. Who cares who it is for. Words move across the digital screen. The barrier. The skin. The porous skin. Some seeps in some seeps out. Breath. Breath the air of the forest. Clean. Fresh. Alive with oxygen. Fill your lungs. Fill your heart. Open to the birds, the bugs, the bees and the boys a plenty.


Play hide and seek, but don’t hide too deep. The floor of the forest is covered in pine cones, delicate purple violets, yellow primroses, dandelions, white wood anemone’s and bluebells opening. The children play hide and seek. They hide. I seek. I get anxious when I cannot find Naoise. He hides well.

They don’t move. There are plenty of places to hide and the forest is deep with hiding holes. The boys are small and nimble and they hold their breaths and they lie flat to the floor. They do and don’t want to be found, and when they cannot be found they make themselves known by squeaking or suddenly jumping up and the game is over and starts again and again. They love to play hide and seek and the time passes fast.


Sometimes Syd is rude. He does not mean to be. Its easy to be mean to your mother. A mother forgives easily. Sometimes Syd just refuses. He refuses to co-operate. He refuses to help. I ignore. I try to ignore. I try not to be drawn in. Walk away. Walk away. Drink some red wine for comfort.


Naoise stomach is disdended, swollen with shit. Shit that gets stuck in his bowels for days and becomes a meg shit a super shit a shit so big and so heavy it could knock you down. Poor love he is paralysed by the super shit and can’t shit it out. If I were him I too would be scared of shit. No matter what I do he does not seem to grow out of it as the GP said he wouldNo amount of lactose or  fibre rich food or exercise or warm baths or massaging seems to work. We just get stuck in shit. A shitty circle of shit. I really hate it. I hate to see him suffer and I hate to have to clear up shit. Be stuck in shit. Shitty days of shit. Shitty days of shit whilst camping with friends ain’t much fun for anyone.

wallgrizedale

I am glad that the showers on the site are free. We spend a lot of time having showers and cleaning up shit. Thats ok, its warm and cosy in the shower room and there is even a heater to stand beside.


I forgot all the torches. No where to be found in the stash of stuff piled high in the car. Check again. My kind friend leant me her lantern. I am glad of it. Darkness is dark dark dark in the forest. I fear the dark dark. I had panic attacks at my parents home in Scotland. It is so dark dark there. No street lamps just the stars and the moon to light the night sky.

Fall asleep with the children at 10.30pm. Wake around 7am

The children play wild in the woods, dressed in their onesies. Theres a tiger, a gruffalo, a peekachoo, and two power rangers, They bounce and they jump and they skip and slide and disappear momentarily above the tree line. The boys are at their happiest outside in the little wild. Wild in the forest. Being swallowed by the forest. Touching the forest floor with their feet. Sturdy as sheep on their feet. Agile. Fast. In a world of their own.

Syd attempts to light a fire on his own. He finds a sanitary towel, I find later pages ripped from……..

At the

Getting to the campsite.

Lovely to collect Naoise early from school. He is delighted to see my face.

He hugs his friend goodbye. We are excited. Its been a while since we went away on a holiday alone.

Sydney arrives at the car with a bottle of coke. He keeps buying bad drinks. I hate it. All the sugar, rotting his teeth, filling his body with fake fuel. He needs to learn. I don’t drink lots of sugar drinks so its not from me. He seems to crave sugar and carbohydrate. Maybe this is an ordinary teenage diet. I did eat a lot of Mars Bar breakfasts at his age.

Misbehaving. One minute sweet angel. Playing football with the little boys. The next minute devil. Its not fair. Its not fair you said I could go mountain biking, you said I could bring a friend. Spend time with me, not with them. Mother hating devilish boy.  Swinging from one mood to the other. Moody. Hormonal. Teenage. Boy-Man. I love you.


 

 

Don’t avert your eyes

Spent the day packing for camping trip. Washing clothes. Drying clothes on the radiator, on the line in the yard. Sorting wet piles of clothes into each member of the families. Selected which need to be dried first. A hierarchy of wet clothes to be dried. Patrick and Syd’s underwear are becoming indistinguishable. Sock size, pant size, same size. Laundry puzzles. Involves some detective work.

Naoise reminded me that it was non-uniform day.

A pound for the poor. A pound for the poor mummy. We need to give charity mummy for the people who live near the big mountain, whose homes have been destroyed in the Earthquake. 

I have lost track of the awfulness of the disaster. I don’t watch TV. What media, what news I let in is entirely at my choosing. No TV filters out the outside world. I read the newspaper, listen to the radio. No TV. No Media footage provides a barrier, perhaps a bubble. Many days I just want to live in a bubble. A womb bubble. Where horrid happenings can not penetrate me, my skin or  my space. My home is my body.  Other things can’t get in. Other things can’t cause upset. TURN AWAY DONT LOOK IS THAT HOW IT SHOULD BE ? AND IF I OPEN MY EYES WHAT DO I SEE, WHAT CAN I DO, HOW CAN I CHANGE THIS ? I AM COWARDLY. I AM INEFFECTUAL. I AM SELF OBSESSED. I NEED TO LOOK OUT. I NEED TO LOOK IN< IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO LOOK OUT>

What a privilege to be able to switch danger on and off. What a privilege to be safe and secure. What a privilege to have peace, to have health, to have a home, to have my sons safe with me. To choose whether to engage or not too. Perhaps I  live in a bubble. The bubble is good and the bubble is bad.

The picture of the baby being rescued from the rubble of the Nepal Earthquake after being buried under the collapsed building for 22 hours. Twenty Two hours. Four Months old. Alive. Saved. Born once from womb. Born once from rubble. Alive. Crying. Saved. Alive. Baby= Hope. Baby= New Life.

Hood/Mother

Mo M-other>Hood. A cloak,a shroud, a covering a tent, a place that is other. A collective of others. A gathering of others. What is the M in mother. What is the hood. How did M-other- meet Hood ?

The first goslings have arrived. Six yellow fluffy gorgeous things. In only fourteen weeks time they will be fully grown. You can literally see them growing by the day. Yellow. Fluffy. Wondrous.

Birth Workshop- Third Stage of Birth (to research)

Where is my placenta ? My placenta became waste. My placenta was burnt. How could I have let my placenta become waste. Why didn’t I look at my placenta ? An opportunity lost. I think that Naoise placenta was torn and worn out. I should have had a look. I should have been brave. I do have regrets. I can learn. I need to look, I should not be scared of me and my body. I should take a closer look. See what I can see.